A few days ago
a friend of mine
lost her son
We had a thunderstorm
his car lost control on the slippery road
it hit a tree
and he died
I was so sad for sweet Carol
heartbroken for her loss
and felt nauseous
thinking about the pain I knew she was feeling
I thought about how much I knew she loved him
I knew she really loved him
I knew that her world must be over
that she would never be the same
I thought about the times we had made fun of him
(as mothers do when they're together)
laughing about his funny bachelor ways
and I felt a little bad
I thought about the times she had hugged and comforted me
when I was sad
when I was heartbroken
when I was overwhelmed
I knew that hugging wouldn't fix this
I read once that we feel a sigh of relief
ugly as that sounds
when something like this happens to someone else
because we hope that it will placate fate for a time
that those we love will be safe
I've been trying to make it better
for me
He was in his 20s
led a great, productive life
owned a boat and had his own place
his parents were proud of him
they're so lucky that they had him for so long
but it's never really long enough
what a stupid thing to think
He didn't leave behind a wife or children
so it's not as tragic as it could have been
but now it will be easier for people to forget
no daily reminders for others that Carol has one less child
no grandchildren to remind them of someone she loved and adored
not as tragic as it could have been
what a stupid thing to think
Carol will remember
every October that comes
every birthday he misses
every holiday he is absent
every boat she sees
every thunderstorm
every time her girls come home
and one chair is empty
I've been thinking about how wrong it is
for a mother to lose a child
about how sad my Gramma must be every day
every single day
I've been thinking about how it must make my aunt feel
to tell people she has four kids
not five
I've been trying not to cry in front of my kids
but sometimes, I can't help it
and it makes them sad when I tell them why
and a little nervous that bad things happen to people they know
and worried that moms can be upset
and they always say a prayer on the spot
that Ms. Carol will see her son in heaven and be happy again
I've been trying to forget Bryan
and not talk about him to people
because I don't like sharing sad things
but it keeps coming back
I've been trying to "move on"
because I don't want to slip into a depression
again
I've been trying not to wallow in my sadness
because it's not really my loss
it belongs to Carol
and I don't want to take that from her
I know that Bryan is not gone forever
I believe that he will live again
but I also believe that God expects us to mourn
or He wouldn't have made us love each other so deeply
For now, I mourn
for my friend Carol
and for her loss
