anxiety

I've got issues.

Duh.

One of those issues is that I'm not real comfy in group situations. I know you probably don't believe me because I'm so chatty. But really, I'm incredibly shy. Part of the chattiness stems from my intense anxiety in groups. I've always been this way. Have you had a party or wanted to go somewhere fun and invited me and I had some totally valid excuse? It was a lie. I just was too scared. No joke. Honestly, I hate leaving my house. That's why the kids have so many playdates. I hate having to venture out! Once, I'm out, I'm usually okay. I love bebopping around town. But getting there is really hard for me and the older I get, the harder it gets.

One of the places I really, really hate going to is...church.

I know. I know. It sounds really bad. It's not church that I hate. It's having to be there around people. If I could go and the building was empty, I would be there every day. But for some reasons we've got hundreds of folks showing up every week. That cramps my style. The building we meet in right now is just packed. All of these PEOPLE come EVERY STINKING WEEK. My gosh. What gives?!?

So at first, I hid in the back. If no one saw me, I thought that would be better. Plus, my kids are maniacs. (Aren't yours?) So I thought the back would solve my problems. Unfortunately, when you sit in the back, you see the hundreds of people that you're trying to hide from. So that didn't help my anxiety. It actually worsened it.

Pocket is so prone to sickliness that I took every opportunity that I could to stay home with her. If she was slightly off, I kept her home because I didn't want someone to make it worse....and because I was hiding.

Pocket also hates Nursery, a place where we drop our littles when they're in the 18 month to 3 year old range while we're in Sunday School. She's sincerely frightened by people. Her body becomes rigid, her face locks into a death stare, and she starts to quake. It's really sad. We blame it on the hospital. She just doesn't trust people anymore. So I started going to Nursery with her. I knew it would comfort her. I knew she would be happier. And I knew I could hide there and 98% of the people at church would never see me.

I feel bad saying that, because I really do LOVE church. I just have serious anxiety about going. It's the same as going anywhere, but I feel such GUILT about not wanting to be there. I could give you twelve million excuses about why I'm not comfy there and they're all true. But really, they're just excuses. I know that I need to be there.

After over a year of hiding, maybe two years, I finally took my issue to God...finally. And He had the greatest solution. Isn't that lovely how that works? I felt very impressed that I needed to sit in the front. The very, very front row. I felt impressed that my children would behave better and that I would be happier there. I thought, "But everyone will see me. I hate people looking at me. I hate people talking about me. I want to fade in. I can't fade into the carpet if I'm in the front row." But we did it. Sweet Don helped me get our family to church 30 minutes early each week so that we could snag that front row.

And it helped. I don't see the heaps of people behind me. I can focus on the speaker and not focus on the hundreds of people in the chapel, because I can't even see them. I can make it just about my family and not about the people who stress me out. We've been doing it almost this whole calendar year and it's been such a great blessing in my life. I found a way to cope with that hour.

But I'm still hiding in Nursery. I felt bad that for two hours, I'm hiding in the corner of a classroom playing with my kid and trying to pretend that no one can see us! I'm serious! So I took it to God, thinking that He might have a plan.

And guess what? He did! That hiding in Nursery...that pretending that I just "can't leave"...parlayed itself into my dream calling this week. I'm the new Nursery Leader over 51 little people. So now I really can't leave! And though I'm not technically hiding anymore, I'm too busy to focus on the hundreds of adults in the building. I'm too focused on the kidlets that need my help. I do love a good project.

Anyways, I was still really anxious to go this week, but it was overshadowed enough by these options that God has given me to make it all okay.

*deep breathe*

It will all be okay.