the best intentions

I am going to preface this post by saying that I love my mother in law. I really do love her dearly. But this is just too funny not to share.

I will also preface this story by saying that a lot of funny things happened in the 80's and we shouldn't hold all of those things against people...or organized religions. LOL

Remember the best intentions...


I love my Donny. I really do. One of the things I love most about him is that he's absolutely insane. He was fired as my sister's life coach years ago, but still hands out ridiculous advice to her like a stranger giving poison-laced candy to a child. When she calls and he answers, she pretends that she doesn't know it's him and asks for one of the kids. He pretends that she isn't trying to avoid him and strikes up nonsense conversations with her. It makes me laugh, because really, he's crazy. Certifiable. I know some of you have literally never heard him speak, but trust me about this one. Once the guy gets to know you, he never shuts up and he.is.hilarious.

Another awesome thing about Don is that he has the most amazing memory and tells the funniest stories about his young life down on the ranch. (This is the point where Don's dearest mother should stop reading. LOL)

Have you ever heard his Killer Bee Story?
Priceless.
For real, it's *schnarf milk through your nose* funny.
It's been my favorite Don story for years and I'm not alone.
When things get boring or dull at work, his coworkers say, "Tell us The Killer Bee Story, Don. Please?"
I love that.

Recently, I was relating horror stories I've heard about object lessons people have given at church to prove a point. You know, the chewed gum, soiled wedding gown, the airplane crash scenario, etc. - the kind that drive you into therapy if you've ever done anything wrong or don't have a cookie cutter life. The best intentions....

I asked Don if he ever had any lessons like that. At first, he said no and then he remembered. Then he remembered what will henceforth and forever be known as "The Arm Wrestling Story."

The Arm Wrestling Story

When Don was 9 or 10, his ward had a family activity after church on a Sunday. This group of 40 or so people were told that there were different stations around the church building where there were activities and tickets they could earn. You could listen to a talk, play a church trivia game, look at church magazines, play board games or arm wrestle your friends. Being a child, Don took off with his younger brother and their friends in tow to go arm wrestle. His parents and 7 older siblings went to different activities. Don had a great time. He arm wrestled for about an hour, earning tickets for each 30 second match. That's a lot of tickets. He was excited about that. A lot of parents made their children leave after one or two matches, but Don's parents let him stay. He was excited about that. While he was arm wrestling, his oldest brother came by and handed him four tickets he had earned from doing more church-ey activities. He said, "You're going to need these." Being Don, he was excited to have more tickets, but didn't really pay much attention. (Don hasn't changed much)

Then came judgement time.
Yes, judgement time.
Judgement as in "If you don't get enough points, you're going to hell" judgement.
LOL

It turned out that all tickets were not created equal. Don had accumulated over 20"bad tickets" and only had four "good tickets" that Johnny had given him. Put those together and Don had negative 16 points. Don had to go to hell, while he watched his parents and older siblings go to heaven. Don, his younger brother, and a small handful of their friends were kept in "hell" by a pair of missionaries and given bread and water to drink. Their families had a buffet of yummy refreshments in a larger room in the building, but the children in hell weren't allowed in there. HA HA HA Out of spite, one of his friends poured the water onto the bread and then they didn't even get the bread. LOL

Don remembers this story well and has such fond memories of the experience. He learned a lot about making the right choices in life and it helped mold him into the man he is today.

Well, that's a lie. Actually, he just learned that his parents didn't have his back and they were going to live it up in heaven, while he was suffering in hell. LOL Oh, and he learned that Johnny's well-meaning "mercy" wasn't enough to make up for an hour of arm wrestling. Thanks anyways, Johnny!